| It's Like That Sometimes, I Mean 荒谬 |
[Feb. 9th, 2011|11:57 pm] |
It's difficult to thing of things to write. I have a lot of good interesting back history but I wonder how effective it would be to right a full on mini autobiography. Maybe I should spruce it up with elements of fact and fiction. I don't know exactly. I do want to create.
Life is really easy here in China right now. Waiting for the next semester barrage of work. Now I just sit and eat and consume media and walk the dog and read and occasionally friend time it. It's all good.
I want to be something higher, though. I want something more. I gotta work on it. I just don't know exactly how. I still am unsure of the why. The Olympic goal is still 1.5 years off. I need something more immediate. It's tough to motivate myself when there's no foreseeable gain.
I guess I'll just blog update.
Shit, I want to go on a mind adventure. I need to find me some quality cognitive barrier dissolvers. |
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| Maximize |
[Dec. 28th, 2010|01:54 pm] |
It's all so good. I'm elated Fiona is back. Everything seems to be right on track. It's amazing how one person can give me such a sense of validation, ease, and general good feelings. A generously joyous then disastrous Christmas is turning towards a positive New Year. I'm inspired even more to get my 发音标准 and the other areas at their highest level. The highest 踢腿，the quickest sprint, the most efficient games, the highest order. These are my aim. I just wish that she would accompany and assist me on my 灵性 journey. One can only work at it. Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone. |
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| Getting On It |
[Aug. 30th, 2010|10:15 am] |
First off, life is suffering. Dukkha. That unsatisfactory of it all. Pressure. I feel it now already. Do they already comb and analyze my skills as an artist? Search till home every allusion of my strong badness is brought into the florescent lime light.
If you're not perfect, they'll hate you for it. If you are, they'll wait. That's the thing about it. Consistency.
At church, St. Mynamesake is a great place to train. It's all training. But it's all now too. Gotta stay with it.
And failure. I am always failing. I should have grabbed that salty nuts during the time with that Angel princessa. I probably should have taken up that church 天使. But to be honest, they weren't at my high standards. Now I realize that you gotta get the little in order to get the biggies. And the one with the glasses was so in once I theated out that she'll always get a second chance as long as she reciprocates. You just have to continue. Just a little dots on the right and a negative nod from my homey put her down. Like a fool.
What do I do? What can I do? Continue. 继续。It's all I know. Shit, soldiering is what I do. Surviving is my main game.
And then life throws an existential curve at ya. The Emmy's too. What is real? Is this just fantasy? I'm caught in this cacophony of landslides always flowing out of me.
A new info inducing blog will be coming soon. I gotta get on it. Always on top. 100% or all. |
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| It's So Much Better When It's Quiet |
[Jun. 17th, 2010|06:54 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | birthday | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Panyu home | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bodysnatchers - Radiohead | ] |
Now I just hear the hum of the AC. 5:20 in the morning with no one to bother me. There always are little botherers. People looking to me as the leader. As a great man. So they search for flaws. They usually find them quickly. They fear my returns. I am Vader.
But I still have my friends. Brawl, Donna Marie, my guided 湖人，pizza. It was like being back at home. The same unstable laser mind creating uneasy situations. A Resource.
I hate being Al Gore. I only wish people would judge me by my actions. My mind is just too expansive. It is only fun when I'm in the labyrinth.
Telepathy. I tell people all of the time. And still nothing but meh, it's not really true. I own places and it's not really true. It's all a big joke, isn't it? People want me to go home. And what would I do there? I've thought about it for a second, but that would be a loss of investment.
But I 继续。My birthday has passed and I must look to the present. |
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| I Got That Jam |
[Mar. 20th, 2010|11:43 pm] |
That Jam that make you go to work. That Commander training work.
This 佛 has used the mirror wall to my right to reiterate what needs to be etched within:
止汗剂 (zhi3 han4 ji4 (anti-perspirant))
Meditations from a Roman reassuring me that nothing happens in unaccordance with nature.
我的目标: 我要说一口流利的汉语。
A hanging karate-chopping Po.
你撩动了我的性欲。
This I* now imagines all of my IRL choices are presented to me in a simple menu at the bottom of the screen vision. I can load my armor piercing ammo but mostly I use my biotics as a mechanism of art creedence. I've evolved it to influence the intensity of the rain. But the next level has me getting to the point where I can observe their outer judgement and refrain from returning volleys. That's power. That power is seemingly overwhelming though. It's work.
My bill-paying time now consists of 52 hours a month. I get paid a little more than last semester and I only work M-R afternoons and one S&S a month. I've made it. Just need to conserve for future adventures.
柬埔寨 was a scuba success. Biked to and around Angkor Wat's temples and was serenaded for a dollar by children near a 3 story column of skulls. I even got video of it.
老挝 was an ego crusher. I couldn't finish the music's distracted ride and then next day braked front hard and separately received a crashing. Still workable but funds erasable. 狼 to the max. I saw how they want me to be a 狮子 but for now, I'm a marathoner. All that going from failure to failure with loss of enthusiasm reads aids.
And I get real world help too. A Guinea businessman with a four week old son and a home in construction gave me 4 US dollars on the shuttle as a token of friendship. Really. I don't get it either.
But I see how I could easily dwell on the imperfections. I didn't (yet) inspire loyalty in all of my 美国朋友. I didn't woo a few daughters of justicars. I socially failed at sea. I outcasted myself to the max near my crashed leave. I couldn't (past tense only) be 很清醒 at my venues。
But here, I am chiefly paragon-statused with the appropriate dash of renegade but those stories belong in hard copies. I've got a true Shrek's dream-lover. She doesn't fully comprehend my mission, (but who does? I'd like to know to inquire this explorer's direction.) but she loves me regardless. Steps of Inspiration to Creation to Mission Success(ion?).
我刚才 spread a mosquito sandwich with extra jelly on my second scarred leg. It happens. Reminds me of my one church outing here. All of these experiences are having a mass effect on me.
＊When a monk speaks of himself, not as "I," but as "this sinner**" or "this unprofitable servant," he tends to stop taking his "loose and separate" selfhood for granted, and makes himself aware of his real, organic relationship with God and his neighbors. -A. Huxley
But symbols work fine as long as they are recognized as such.
**But fuck that "poor-me, I'm born negative" attitude. |
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| If 2Pac Says, "Only God Can Judge Me |
[Sep. 2nd, 2009|05:21 pm] |
The hardest thing about writing (besides the fact that I usually write "I think" before most of my declarations) is trying to find that balance. I don't want to write myself in a way that is too boastful and exaggerative of my greatness. On the flip side, I don't want to seem so pathetic and fixated on my negativities. When I write, or think, I am making those labels as to what should be. Not as to how they actually are. I don't want to judge.
I don’t want to be human! I want to see gamma rays. I want to hear x-rays. I want to smell dark matter.
Do you see the absurdity of what I am? I can’t even express these things properly because I have to–I have to conceptualize complex ideas in this stupid, limiting spoken language! But I know I want to reach out with something other than these prehensile paws, and feel the solar wind of a supernova flowing over me.
But like my Toaster brotha, I want to be a transhumanist. A lower case Nietzsche superman who is beyond good and evil. It's evolution. I'm a mutant in this spazzy universe.
The Hawk King of Tautology in the back of my head reminds me that the universe we observe is real because if it wasn't, we wouldn't be here to observe it. Ok. But we could all be Coralines. Creeptastic. I see both worlds. I dwelve into my anima. That bitch. She never goes away, though. It's great to publicly examine her with my Angels backing me up. Life on Planet Earth are great when 50,000 third eyes are upon you and you're hitting out line drives every 4.2 minutes. For some, that's still not enough. They need me to be perfect. Don't even start on when I'm chilling in the dugout. They'll rip on you for a Mexican nada.
Ugh, how do I teach these kids? [/Cartman's Mexican teacher impersonation]
Rap virtuosos. They all love em. Especially on planes and your iPersonal is flowing as well as that milky rice does. All I do is
Tilt your head
to the right
see the window
to the light
let it flicker, or go
get it pumping
on the row.
but you don't even know
how the line's
just a show
all interlaced
like your face
then all's like whoa
And then you get niggas bowing you be king. I guess it balances out when they theate fag. I just shake my head and say I am but a Fisherman of Fish.
Fishin' for both types of wet ones.
Here in China, the attention is diminished and replaced with Love and Jailbait.
I had to name our fish that. It only makes sense. Like everything else. And she is that everything else to me here in my adopted motherland.
But returning back to home home, it made me realize how much of a better handle I've gotten on my runaway mind. I used to think its control was as elusive as Sandra Bullock. It's because of SPEEEEEED.
But I saw what I needed to build. My future kingdom.
I recognized my perception of the current state of my cronies. Mostly disappointing. But that's alright. It goes exactly how it supposed to go wether my ego agrees with it or not.
But I can tell you what person always agrees with me. That little man!
God, he is so awesome. Wether I'm taxing him around into the deep end or he's yelling in my ear "Batman" to wake up to watch Po, he is always the best ((and) or (because he is the)) most nonjudgemental being I have ever met. |
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| Oh, How Was the Trip Back? |
[Aug. 27th, 2009|07:14 pm] |
Always invading my mindsphere. The Angels game is the only place where I can be fully free. It's like the game 1 vs 50,000. I always win. There.
But here, and mostly other American everywhere, I struggle. I still shine, but it's an often admittedly annoying luster.
Now back to training mode! |
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| Reimpressions |
[Aug. 22nd, 2009|09:18 am] |
I've been back in the hood for a few days and I can see the little lighterences glimmering in shiny hood clarity. Everything is the same except more focused. More stable and listless. Like a laser. Pink lasers don't exist, did you know that? They have to combined with other colors because you can't add the varying levels on the color spectrum to induce it. Who knew?
That the food is filling but the undernutritioun makes hunger return quicker. Tasty and novel once more, but just not as like the green bean niuryou tu dou fill-up.
But the mehness of it all. All of this regularity of old time singularity really makes me miss my China romping grounds. It's simple. People take science over there much more simpler. |
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| A Mofo called me Po the other day |
[Dec. 29th, 2008|03:08 am] |
I don't want to create. I just want to take, take, take.
And the universe gave. A silver Expedition braked my way. Fool.
I am.
A lucky one. Throughout it all, I got the phone number of a hot fellow Civic driving Good Samaritan. The law of attraction to the max!
Of course, now...
1 week. Countdown.
Then a whole new life shall begin. I'm going to be gone for two years. That's four times longer than any of my other trips. Intense.
I can't stay here though. So much inactive aggression.
A nigga labeled my phat rhymes as being crazy good. I can live at least three months off that.
I've got to be more friendly. The wii suggested I should. So did my Dad earlier in some way. I have to get over myself was the term he used it. To acknowledge the illness. I tell him, I may be sick, but I have no illness.
I need a good send off though. The whiplash ain't nothing for the neck. A wake up call I would put it.
Get your shit together Garcia. |
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| Quote Therapy |
[Dec. 10th, 2008|12:30 am] |
I must admit that I have been failing since my last post. Still trying to get everything under control. I am the Lord Byron.
Disneyland was a marathon. I stayed mostly positive but still failed. E = mc^(Fuck Me)..."It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely."
I can only imagine how that cramped energy filled plane is going to be.
I have so much other stuff to write. I've been writing more in my physical journal because I think I need some sense of true privacy. I never get it in public places and it's starting to infect my home life.
On the plus side, my creative and concentrational abilities seem to get stronger. I only wish I can be able to manifest something, a light, anything, in this 3D world. I still only operate on Jung's collective unconscious.
But it's a cycle. A sick cycle of power. A cycle I want to be flung out of.
I will. Planeily and metaphysically soon enough. Would that actually be a fun thing? (Oh, double right here) I read all of this stuff about God being the ultimate joy, but I just don't know. I mean, I hate my life indeed, but it still has its perks. Pastrami for instance. Also, the power to make the Los Angeles Kings become Iron Man, Superman, or Green Lantern. I can give angel wings to the make-uped dancers in the parade. By the way, watching parades are my new favorite thing to do. They give me hope of a fun future. Still, at the moment, I fail.
But that's where I shine. Cause I always remind myself that only this moment matters. I've been thinking too much of past mistakes lately and I need to transcend that. I may say that, and I do write it, but in reality, it is much to hard to fully implement in my thinking. I'm trying Siddhartha, I'm trying! "Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."
It's because of that blue elephant. Try NOT to think about a blue elephant. If you can restrain, please teach me your method. I need a teacher.
I am doing some serious research in finding out how I can prove to some official people that I'm one of them psychic like folk.
I would say that I wish to rewind my life ten years and start it up again, but JFK won't let me. "Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men." Sometimes I feel like an emo Hulk. Sulky and still strong.
But I will get better. "He is able who thinks he is able." |
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| Continual Consciousness |
[Sep. 19th, 2008|01:16 am] |
God damn it. I've losting it. My mind. My abilities. Mental control.
I should have spent my lazy day today writing up, in detail, the events of my life in the past few months. They have been so volatile. So demented. So supernatural and esoteric to the unseen eye. Visible to the third eye. Little kids pick it up so easily. They "see" my imagination much easier than most. Must stay pure in constant public.
There are few days that keep me slick. Baseball games supply sanity and vanity. Vladimir Guerrora, Mike Scoscia, and the rest of the Los Angeles Angels believes that I am King. Literally. I shit you not. The visiting teams get it too but they think I'm a black god because I use negative energy towards them. I ain't perfect, I tell them that.
Everywhere I go, I feel like people are attracted to my energy. My heart is on my sleeve at all times and any one can peer into my thoughts at the moment. There is much much more to this issue and my life, but I just can't seem to find the time to get it down.
Time. Time is not on my side. Working, gyming, baby playing, internetting, researching, creating, imagining, publicly theorizing.
At the gym, I mentally publicly theorize my thoughts on all things good and bad. Some days are feel-good. Most are damaging. But it's a metaphor, you see. Cause you damage and destroy your muscle tissue in order to get stronger. Gotta be strong and shit. You know that old childhood song by the sea.
But the kicker today was when some mofo called me lucky. Luck. As if luck was a perk. I do so much shit, go through so much mental misery and provide general commentary on life and living with insults and compliments always flooding my head and what I get is that I'm lucky. Hah!
But I gotta stay on it. I must accept this role. I have a choice, but the alternative is not acceptable. Ever.
But what I do crave is a foxy crony to explain this amusingly ridiculously frustrating life to her and me. A solid Chun-Li. For as it is written, (right here, right now) man cannot live on Xbox alone. |
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| It's Funny You Should Say That... |
[May. 9th, 2008|06:37 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | school | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Upland | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Any Colour You Like - Pink Floyd | ] |
Because I often feel like I intimidate a large number of women. I can't help it. I just do. I expect them to challenge me but most of them cast their eyes down. I guess it makes sense. I guess it means I'm stronger. I don't really know.
Arrogance. I've gotta watch out for that one.
I just got back from a bar from last night. At the bar I had no true friends so after I got rejected by this one girl I was hitting on the whole time, I tried for another and she saw my game and brushed me off. Her name was Esmeralda. I will not forget her. I really thought that I would fuck Diana. She is hot and legit, but I just couldn't seal the deal. I am too "out there." Most people who talk to me will understand that. My personality is a blend between a hard mother fucker and a nice guy. It's different, I know. I say what I feel and I don't talk just to bullshit like how so many people do. I think that makes people uncomfortable. Most people hate those silences. I don't give a fuck. It makes me see what kind of person you are.
"The deeper sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain." -- Kahil Gibran
Awake at 6:43 am, I feel a ounce of sadness. Which, in weed terms, is a shitload. I passed out in my car around two and when I came to, I realized I gotta drive to a fuckin' bed. The closest one that I knew was available was my trusty Upland home bed. I really wish I could find a girl that understands what goes through my head and is able to smoke a bowl with me at 6 in the morn before we both pass out. The dream.
And it'll happen soon enough. I have to make it happen. |
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| Kick, Punch, It's All In the Mind |
[Apr. 23rd, 2008|09:22 pm] |
Everything is in metaphors. I am living them. We all are. The thing is that most people don't see it. It's everywhere. It's like the our whole existence is a play and we are not only actors, but writers of our own script, directors of our actions and sometimes others. Once you realize it, you're able to do whatever you want and be whoever you'd like to be. I've been harnessing this power and it's effects are amazing.
I think that I've always had this skill set. It's just been in this past couple of months where I've gone through a mental transformation and brain-reboot that I've been able to develop this ability.
"When one has learned to live with manifestations of the "not-I" in an attitude of concrete acceptance, bearing one's seemingly inferior personal characteristics as a burden rather than identifying with them and at the same time humbly remaining open to the demands of hitherto unrealized transpersonal powers, a new phase of psychological transformation is initiated. The instinctual drives themselves may change character and consequently the needs for suppressive discipline or sublimation can be lessened. Much of what formerly seemed evil, or at least compulsively disturbing, reveals itself as merely primitive and therefore capable of constructive growth. The instinctual drives thus transformed and matured cease to be sources of moral danger, temptation or sin; instead they become the originators of new creative impulses and possibilities of expression which eventually widen the scope of the personality and with it the whole life." -Edward Whitmont, The Symbolic Quest
It's not that I'm being fake or saying anything I normally wouldn't say, but just my tone of voice, body language, etc. have a greater effect on people than my actual words. Isn't there a statistic somewhere that says 90% (or something like that) of the communication we make is not with our mouths. I speak it fluently. I feel like I have this capability to lead and convince others into my way of thinking. In my zone.
Does any one remember this nonfamous Saturday morning superhero who's power consisted of the nanotechnology in his brain and body? He was instilled with a super smart technology that allowed him to calculate and thus manipulate his actions to avoid the trajectories of bullets or to turn the wheel of his convertible (cause ya know, it always is a convertible in those scenes) to the correct angle in order to make the 360 jump. I feel the same way except the area of my expertise does not lie within math, the language of nature, but rather of emotion, the language of people. What they want, what they need, what they feel, why they act the way they do. What makes them tick. From ten seconds of hearing a person speak I can deduce so much.
Maybe I'm just analyzing myself analyzing myself.
“We don't see things how they are, we see things how we are,” says Anais Nin.
But what if we are what we all are. Connected. Transcendental subliminal collective unconscious shit. I think there's something to that. It just needs to be unlocked.
"Our ego freedom lies not in the choice of the cards but in discovering or developing the best possible tactics, in terms of the cards we happen to hold, against our formidable antagonist, the Self, our real hidden and basic being, of which our "I" seems but a temporary and passing structure but is nevertheless a structure which is required and impelled to make the most of itself, to play for keeps, indeed for its very life. Playing for keeps is, interestingly enough, a motif found in primitive rites, for instance in Aztec games, in which the team losing the game was sacrificed, or in the rites of the contest and the sacrificial death of the Year Kings." -Edward Whitmont, The Symbolic Quest
Power. Aztec soldier. Kobe.
Post entry edit:
Exactly five minutes after I posted this particular entree, I recieved an instant message from this stampedingsalmon that went like this:
12:27 AM
stampedingsalmon: Dude. If you're him, you've really fallen. Like, you've really changed from the dude I used to know. That dude in transcendent realms of light outshone fucking myriads, and myriads are fucking bright.
crazyninjaant: intense, brother
stampedingsalmon: I thik you have me confupuzzled with someone else. Sorry.
stampedingsalmon: Have a good night
crazyninjaant: I say good day!
Interconnected shit. |
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| Better Ball |
[Apr. 7th, 2008|02:51 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | school | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Upland | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Country Sad Ballad Man - Blur | ] |
Senior Ball was great. It just made me think of my whole college career. This four year moment went by fuckin' fast. Even though I have a great track record off campus, I really wish I was more involved on campus throughout my years. Made more friends, did more shit, "got involved" as they say. Fuck! I thought the same thing about Damien and now I got this feeling again. I really wish I could just restart freshman year all over again. I'd start the bitches and booze life earlier too.
But that's how it always goes, isn't it? You always look back and think of how better it could have been and how better you could have been. Yeah, writing about it allows me to make sense of that in my head. I'm happy right now and I gotta focus on my September plans. Fuck. Real life. Shit.
And Lily is beautiful. No doubt. I always notice it but when she's laying naked in my Inglewood bed, just staring at me while she's biting her lip in her seductive manner, I just can't control myself. I want her. Even though I have her, I still want her.
But still, there are a ton of girls out on that dance floor that I wanted. Really wanted.
Temptation. Always now. It seems to be amplified whenever I've got some one. This probably has to do with that greener grass accurate aphorism. |
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| A Productful Day Is Always A Good Day |
[Mar. 27th, 2008|03:33 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | drugs, school | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Inglewood | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  high | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Horse Pills - The Dandy Warhols | ] |
I have now realized that 10am is the best time to wake up. It's still a solid sleeping-in hour, but I am up before my breakfast turns into lunch. (Although, I probably will disagree with that the next time I'm tired and go to sleep past 2am.) After a quick get-up, I drove to my Dad's work to unload his van, earned a clean $20 and had a succulent steak and lobster with him at a nice steak house. It is interesting to see how the employees treat us differently when my dad's sporting his Big Dog T-Shirt and I'm walking in my paint-splattered work Vans. The pretty hostess asks "May I help you?" instead of the courteous, "Table for two?"
I came back and successfully jerked off for four hours. Not literally, for that would be a feat in itself, but that only took up a small portion of my time. I mostly lounged in my bed, forced myself into nap mode when I wasn't sleepy, and browsed the randomicities of the internet that I have missed this whole semester. Yeah, AJ came through and got wireless internet for the house. It is a gift and a curse, I tell ya.
Around 5, after writing down my school to-do list I wrote down all of my assignments, cursed my procrastination, and called busy into work. I knew it was going to be a late night.
I told AJ and his neurotic yet good-natured girlfriend and seems-like-he-took-too-many-drugs-in-his-time best friend who is very polite and always tucks his t-shirt into his jeans about my mountain of homework. He asked if I needed an Adderall and while I said I didn't need it, I was always down to try new things. So he gave me one as I put the polish on my first paper.
And while I was devouring my second delicious meal of the day, AJ's chicken and broccolli, it began to hit me. The drug did but so did this epiphany. I just realized that I have and will spend my final college semester hanging out with these oddball thirty-year olds. I like it though. I enjoy conversations where we talk about how Allison's ancestor was John Wilkes Booth or how AJ is going to make it big with his energy drink promotion. God knows I'm crazy too; I just hide it better.
And so, after one more pill, I feel it a little more. After I hear a pause in the creaking from his room, I text to see if I can get a third little motivator and the good man comes through. So around 9pm, I'm laser-focused. By 3am, I have whipped out three solid papers, prepared a presentation, organized and cleaned my room, worked out with extra sweatiness, and became a gum destroyer.
On Reflection, I've texted Lily tonight (God, I prefer texting so much more than talking and I'm glad she feels the same) about that Zeitgeist documentary. Don't take it as complete truth, but prepare for a mind-blowing/opening experience. I've always been a sucker for conspiracies. I also made my facebook rounds with the ladies which made me think about my record here at LMU. I'm looking forward to the Senior Banquet and Ball next weekend. Showoff, I know.
But it is exactly 4am and my armpits are a bit sweaty, I want to chew still and I'm not really tired. I have class at 8 am tomorrow which I can't skip since I already ditched it last Tuesday, followed by a break, then a full complete mental marathon from noon to 9:30 with not a single break. Mental destruction combined with sleep deprivation. The College Staple.
I'll be seeing you again Mr. A come Finals week! |
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| Really, Really The Happiest |
[Mar. 3rd, 2008|02:55 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | disneyland | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Upland | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Pictures of Lily - The Who | ] |
Today has been the absolute best day of this turbulent year.
I started it off with some late night intense Donkey Kong competition, brushed up on the lady skills through the medium of Will Smith-film, slept in, ate some fuckin' bomb-ass cinnamon rolls, dominated in Street Fighter, listened to "Antwon's Kewl Pimp Shit" supplied by my sister on the way to Disneyland, got in for free thanks to my boy scout boys, moderately enjoyed the California Adventure rides and was quite and in my usual slump for the first part of the day, found out I'm Jimminy Cricket, ate some shitty cafeteria tacos, sang Happy Birthday to Marcos, got a fuckin' head change while waiting in the Splash Mountain line, felt purified by the soaking, enjoyed myself, entertained the ladies, and gained the respect of my two best buds and was fuckin' on for the rest of the night, ate some delicious Buzz Lightyear pizza, made eyes at the princesses in the Electric Light Parade, soared over California, ran around the park and made it to the Mickey rollercoaster before closing, got a little horny on Matterhorn, realized the universe and my place in it on Space Mountain, truly felt Lily's hand on my knee inside Nemo's submarine, bought a Goofy pillow for Baby Nick, asked Lily to be my girlfriend in front of the purple majestic castle right at closing, had a honest and hand-held walk back to my lone wolf civic in the parking lot, wanted her more than ever as we waited (waiting almost always means making out, but you know that already) in front of her cousin's house, gave some advice to that Dunlap kid, vented out my happiness and amazement over the day to Kevin on the ride back home, and to top it all off, I came home to see that my sister came through and was able to buy the Nintendo Wii for me.
It. does not. get. any better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 24th, 2008|04:17 am] |
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This is fuckin' ridiculous. I'm a terrible sober bowler. Why can't my social retardation be cured? Why do I struggle? Why? |
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| Working On It |
[Feb. 19th, 2008|12:55 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | restoration | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Upland | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  complacent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Lucky - Radiohead | ] |
Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty.
John Lennon
These past two months have been the most intense time period of my life. I've been using the word "intense" a lot when I don't exactly know how to express myself or the situation with the right adjective.
I feel myself slowly pulling myself out of the aircraft. I've been high so much of my life that now that I've crashed, I just didn't want to get out. It was hell in that cockpit, but hey, my spilled blood was keeping me warm. Now I gotta get out and relearn to walk again. Frustrating, but necessary to survive.
I think that all of the build up and come down is finally starting to stabilize. The last Friday party was the climax. I invited a chunk of my so-called friends to my party and only one SAS kid and my sister showed up. Disheartening and friendless, I felt. I lost a game in beer pong which really doesn't matter except for its metaphorical significance. Every one thought that I'm something I'm not. Anger and sadness raged inside me. Very uncharacteristic. I didn't know what else to do, except to fight. My roommate gave me a black eye and dislocated my other roommates's shoulder. I add that last part to make it seem that AJ is a crazy mother fucker, and he is, no doubt, but I egged him on. This drunken crazy shit-talkin 31 year old drummer knocked me good, gave me a beaut and popped a blood vessel in my eye. It was so bad that I bailed on Gabby's, Lily's sister, 21st birthday party where I was to be scrutinized by the Llamas family. I lost major points and now that I think of it, I should have just pirated it and rocked an eye patch. That's the past though. I can't worry about that shit anymore.
That day, as I sat confessing everything I've kept from my father, I made a promise to him and God that I was not going to drink or smoke until Graduation, May 10, 2008. He thinks I'm a stoney alcoholic which is only half true. I hate the taste of alcohol. My parents are/were really worried about me and I drove my mom to Liquorland for a sad day. She threw up in my sister's car. I've been sober for a week and a half now and it's really no big deal to me. The hardest thing is explaining to all of my friends why I'm not drinking or smoking. I want to tell them that I want to be fixed in the head and be my normal self, but that's so much harder to say. I see flashes of improvement here and there, but I've got to learn to be like Kobe. Consistent and coming through in the clutch. Yeah, that's two basketball references in a short time. I've been understanding and watching basketball on a new level these days.
I really do think about Jackie much more than I thought I would. I can understand how people can have eating issues. Especially when there's no food in my refrigerator and debts on my card.
Until five days ago, I had no plans for after graduation. Then, the night before Valentine's Day, as I was staying up and writing a poem for that Lily lady, it all clicked in my head. I set out a master plan which I'll probably explain later of what I'm going to be doing with my life. It'll take a shit load of work, but that never stopped me before. That's good. I need a plan in life.
I surprised Lily at her work with some flowers, some candy, and a creative piece of paper. It seemed like my mental effort went unnoticed. What she cares about is how I make her feel at the time. And at that time, I wasn't on. Sometimes I'm fuckin on and it is so good. I can make her laugh, talk about stupid shit, be a fuckin idiot, and she adores me. At other times, I think too much to say anything and that just makes me weird. I told her that I read a study that the weather influences people's attitudes. We were talking in metaphors you see, but I'm unsure if she really knew it. She doesn't like overcast days but she loves the sunny days. I love that she loves the sunny days and I gotta return to being southern California. None of this Seattle shit. Although I must admit that this lately downpour does make the plants grow.
But the thing that has been bugging me this whole semester is my attitude and actions toward people. At times, I feel like a freak. Like I can barely function. Like I'm missing the fundamentals of human interaction. I'm seeing this world and my life in metaphors and I have begun to analyze every moment of myself when I'm around other people. I am cautious about laughing or smiling at ideas, or worrying the way my body is positioned, or the exact words that I want to say. It all becomes contrived and it is perceived as being fake and weird. That's because it is. I see it all. That's the worst part. I see it all before me and yet I still can't change it. Slowly, it's getting better, but it's oh so slow.
Because of the red-eye, I've had to wear my glasses everywhere I go. It's amazing the different type of reaction I get from people. I can hear the voiced "geek" as I pass by them in the Uhall. How does plastic and wire make a person so uncool?
I went on a trip to San Luis Obispo, Montano de Oro, and San Simeon this past weekend with my Roadwrite class. We saw the Heart Castle, the fucking and fighting elephant seals, ate shitty Hawaiian pizza, and wrote some damn good poetry. At times, I was silent geeky glasses Mcgee and at other times, I'm the center of the world. I was just so weird most of the trip that most of the girls ignored me. Except for the nice, anime-lovin', good cookin' girls. I actually had a conversation about Brawl with this one girl. She seemed great on every level except she was so...what's the nice term for the boring plain-looking type? I'm a shallow guy, for sure, but I'm trying to be honest about it.
Things are getting better and I wake up every morning, put my cross around my neck, and think, "Alright, Anthony, it's a new day. You have a whole new chance to be the best you." Because I know when this mental misery is behind me, I will be a great canoe, ready to paddle out and take on the sea. |
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| Coping |
[Jan. 15th, 2008|09:53 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | school | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | LMU | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | no ipod today | ] |
And even some days, it's a mix. The beginning of my Morongo excursion with the little lady and old lady was disheartening. My hungoverness wouldn't let me eat my whole burger and we were unable to get a room. While walking through the casino, I personally felt so hated against by the general public. We got yelled at by security guards, went inside the dinosaurs, and shared our affinity for those Ninja Turtles. Afterward, I felt really comfortable chilling at that cultured house in the boondocks. Who knows?
But now, school.
I feel like I have to prove myself throughout these first LMU days. I am not getting the same vibe as I have gotten before. I feel more judged, looked at, and labeled. I analyze my speech and presentation every second and I anticipate what a person would think of me. It's too much RAM being used up; it's making me tired.
As for my sleeping arrangements, I'm a vagabond traveling from party house couches to lady spare beds. Hopefully, that will turn into lady's beds. I don't move in until next weekend so it looks like I've got to be keeping up with this on the roadness.
I had my first test yesterday. I went to chill with Ellery at his house and proceeded to get drunk and super stoned. I had to prove myself to these fellow partyers. The beerpong games begun and after a few shots to warm up, I was on fire. I felt like Kobe sinking those clutch shots. Four in a row. I had a three game winning streak before the booze started to catch up with me. By showing my skills with a ping pong ball, plastic cups, and budweiser, I was able to gain some respect from the dudes there. I felt strong, confident, drunk, and in my element. When there is a game or a goal, I get my head screwed on a swivel. Observation and understanding. I know what I need to do and I know how to do it. The same goes for class. I feel like I usually know what to say in an interactive class, but the key is to hold your comment until you've got a quick-articulate response. Pro status.
It's just the sideline time that is hard to deal with. |
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| Fake Plastic Me |
[Jan. 12th, 2008|03:08 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Upland | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | rejected | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bullet proof...I wish I was - Radiohead | ] |
"It'll be all right." Yeah, that's what I said. That's all I could muster to this heartbroken twin. What the fuck kind of consolation is that? Who am I? How should I know it would be all right? Why would I say that? What has happened to my people skills? How come I am no longer the open Anthony who was always friendly and inviting and open and honest to the world.
Yeah, I need to find a way to be more honest. I always feel like I got a shield up. It felt like that way today. How come I subconsciously put up a front that is only a plastic derivative of myself. What the fuck is wrong? I can't shake it.
I don't think that I've ever been in a slump like this before. It wears me out.
I told two of my best friends about my issues and one basically ignored my problem while the other avoided eye contact and told me not to worry about it.
Fuck. fuck. I was going to tell my mom that I need professional help for I feel like I can't really talk to any one. But what good would that do? I do not have the money nor the time to see any one like that. I'm going back to school in a few days and I hope that environment will be good for me. I really don't know what else to do.
Maybe this is why I've been resorting to write my abbreviated thoughts at 4 in the morn. I wish I wrote less. That usually means I'm happier. |
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| Out of it |
[Jan. 11th, 2008|03:46 am] |
Since the beginning, I've been having good days and bad days. With the exception of the first couple of days, I don't think any one can tell. I'm good at hiding shit like that.
The first two days sucked. I was a loner then a failure.
Then it shot back up and I was a rebel fucker. Baller status, ya know.
Then the mentalacities invade my mind and bring me down. Something I still can't shake...The highs and lows transit so quick.
I was king of the world, or at least, Inglewood, for a good three hours. I had one day to find a decent place to live for the semester and I had no idea on how to get that done. I somehow found myself a room in a party house (game room, hoops, corrupted roommates, soundproof neighborhood) near LMU for a great price. I went out and it basically fell into my lap. Business like this always magically gets taken care of.
I saw Jackie today. Seeing wasn't so bad. She seemed too taxidermied. It was only when I read her printed livejournal entry did I actually break down. On the way to the rosary, my grandma tells me to be careful. What's the point? Death can be like BAM! It only makes sense to take even more risks because you don't know when you'll be sorried and bumped back to home base.
Throughout this whole time I've been a painter. An ipod-earred painter with a playlist of Manu Chao, Kanye West, Black Sabbath, and Eminem. When I go out in my painter uniform, I feel respected.
I hope school will cure my lately intensive insecurities. |
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| A World Review |
[Dec. 11th, 2007|11:18 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Upland | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | discontent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jigsaw Falling Into Place - Radiohead | ] |
Well, it's over. My most intense, world gallavanting trip is over. Like they say, it happened way too fast. I enjoyed seeing the world, her people, and especially her foods, but I really wish I could redo it over again. Or at least, from Thailand on. I'm telling you, when I lost my father-bought sandals, it was a bit mentally rocky. At times, I felt like I slipped off my high horse's saddle and was riding forward with a mare's dick whacking my face. Degrading. It wasn't constant but often in the back of my mind. I rode on but only now am I getting right side up. I thank America.
I wrote on the back of my cabin art piece "Don't get drunk in Thailand" in large lanky letters followed by a unhappy face. I was pretty shooken up by that scandal, but now I'm taking it as a lesson in learning.
I've also learned more about the crucial art of storytelling. It is essential for blossoming relationships.
I feel cooler than before. More confident as well. If I want to do or say something that I think may be innapropriate, thats a good indicator that I should go ahead with it.
AGGRESIVENESS, ENTHUSIASM, AND LOUDNESS! THEY WORK.
The little world at sea allowed me to see the workings of different social-class structures. It felt like four years of co-ed high school were packed into three months.
I'm so glad I was part of the Caribbean Sea Family. I gave them gum, they gave me loyal friendship. I love those guys. And I'm not a guy who throws that word around.
krka - You amaze me.
O Lemont B. Freeman, you Egypt interport student, your alter ego was probably my best friend on the ship. Him or the Brain-Showing Man. (Oh, and I will get revenge)
Alright, so now that I'm back home, it's time to start planning my next trip. I've either got a South American tour with the baby sister or a true blue American road trip visiting my Philmont phriends, my fellow Chinamen, and my former shipmates along the way.
But first things first -- get out of debt. |
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| World Update |
[Oct. 24th, 2007|12:42 am] |
So I’ve been on this Semester At Sea ship (MV Explorer) for almost two months now. It’s a thrill.
I only had a day in Hawaii. I started it off by jumping out of a plane with a man and his backpack attached to me. I then had my balls feel as if they were being ripped upward as I made my descent. I then went surfing in the warm Hawaiian waters. I didn’t have time to drive to the beach so I parachuted down and rode the wave because the surfboard was attached to my feet. That’s a lie, but also a future goal.
In Japan I saw a sumo wrestling competition and it is hilarious. (They got little Japanese men yelling at chunky Japanese men and then they play patty cake with grunts.) I was greatly amused. I explored Tokyo I slept in a capsule hotel. I took a trip to Mt. Fuji. I got drunk on a bullet train. I slept on the grass outside of the dock and made out with a girl named Candy. I stood in the spot right below where the bomb dropped in Hiroshima. I sang karaoke and I realized how horrible my singing voice is. I visited Kyoto, the birthplace of Nintendo, and saw more than my fair share of shrines.
I took it easy in China because of that whole living in China thing I did a few years ago. I walked around Qingdao on my own practicing Chinese and made sure to take that tour of the Qingdao beer factory I missed last time I went there.
In Hong Kong I went to the Rain Party where 200 students danced in the streets as rain fell on our careless bodies. I laughed, drank, danced, and peed with the lot of them. I also got to see a Buddha crystal which is supposedly a remnant of Siddhartha’s physical form once he attained Enlightenment. I also had my kung fu training montage moment when I hiked through the Wisdom Trail in the worst downpour I’ve ever experienced. True living.
I traversed through the Vietnam jungles. In the bar Apocalypse Now I gyrated and lip-lunched with a shipmate that I still haven’t seen again. I ate bananas that were on fire. I almost bounced of a moped through Ho Chi Minh City. I crawled through those claustrophobia-inducing Cuchi tunnels. I drank strong wine that had a snake inside of it.
I attended the Half Moon Party in Thailand where there was no docking for our speedboat. We waist-deep waded from the boat to the shore. With a florescent green and blue Tao painted on my open chest, I drank buckets of rum or vodka as little Thai man asked me, “You want pill? You want pill?” I attended a Ping Pong show which should have been named the Dart show. (Women actually shot darts out of their cooter and popped balloons ten feet away. One even smoked a cig and drunk a coke through her impressive vestibule.) I had the most regretful sex with an American 4 (at best).
I chased some Indian monkeys. I walked inside the Taj Mahal. I explored and scaled a former Maharaj’s fortress Prince of Persia style. I walked in Gandhi’s last footsteps. I saw the biggest and brightest smile from a young mother after I gave her my leftovers. I saw a mongoose fight a snake. (No one won. They had to reuse them for a later battle.)
Now that I think about it, I’ve done a lot. I’ve used a lot of “I”s. I’m a little more than half done too. I’m excited. |
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| Summer Song Inspiration |
[Aug. 17th, 2007|01:20 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | summer | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Upland, CA | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Time To Get Away - LCD Soundsystem | ] |
It always happens like this. I hear a song and it fits. Much of my thoughts the past weeks and months were all musket loaded in LCD Soundsystem's Time To Get Away and exploded throughout Juan's iBook. I wish I had mine. It's coming back to life soon. I'm going to need it for my trip. I'm coming back to life soon too.
A week and a day left. I'm going to be completely busy until the day I leave. And then the adventure begins. I am just now getting so psyched for it. My parents, bless their little hearts, got me a nice Panasonic camera as an early Christmas gift.
Ava popped out a little baby Nicholas. He's better known as "little guy." He farts and he's always being held.
Super Mario Bros. was magical. The couch was breathing and that tree changed colors. I'm still unsure about my buddy's status.
Only seven more working days. I really am going to miss the secret flirting.
Hey Dudes, guess what next Friday? Pool Party, my Grandma's House, 6 o 'clock... You don't even know Dudes, there's gonna be food, and girls, and more food, and Bradley Burrows' coming!
So come and call me for directions and give me the proper send off.
Mt. Fuji, Hiroshima, Qingdao Beer Factory, Taj Mahal, Pyramids Camel Ride. There's no better way to express--I'm so fuckin' stoked. |
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| Hiatus Off |
[Jul. 10th, 2007|08:34 pm] |
I'll just get to it.
Ava, the big baby of the family is having her own. She claims she didn't know it for six months so I guess I believe her. While the family and I were Vegasing it up the weekend after my 21st, we went to the same chapel Bon Jovi got married and her and Ricardo did the deed. (The clean matrimony one since the other type got them into this). They were together for five years so this was already coming. I thought they should have went all out and asked for Elvis to marry them (the couple before us had him!) but they said it had no class. So now it's Ava Gonzalez and we're waiting for the new baby to pop out mid-August.
Vegas was legit. The family plus Adam went down and we all went to see Beatles Love. I had da stonzies the whole time and my parents were none the wiser. Well, my Dad probably (almost certainly) knew but he never called me out on it so I guess I'm in the clear.
My taste buds have finally become accustomed to any beer taste. It works well with parties.
There's a party every other day with the homies. Male bonding with female accompaniment is the way it was meant to be.
I applied to become a lifeguard at the San Dimas Swim and Racquet Club (come visit you! It's hot and I know you want to...) and they must have seen my magic and made me into a Senior Guard. It's fine though because all I have to do is handle the parents, test the kids, and constantly yell WALK to them runners. Also, the high school girls on staff there just can't get enough.
Speaking of which, I'm on number 2. She's a fuckin' psychotic sailor with the anchor tattoo and all. She's cool. She'll be gone right before I leave but I don't really mind.
Since the summer start I've been gyming it with Boss almost every day. Good fatherly-son bonding stuff as well as serious muscle growth.
It's summer shedding time so the beard is gone. I get the feeling most people didn't like it. Eh, I've really been learning to not give a flying fuck about most things like that. I live more peacefully that way.
Now I'm saving the funds and prepping for the cruise.
Summer 2007--working, gyming, smoking, drinking. Usually in that order. Video games, partying, ping pong, and family stuff fits somewhere in there. |
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| April Snippets |
[Apr. 12th, 2007|12:47 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | school | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hungry | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hello - Oasis | ] |
From now until the end of the semester I am booked. I've got this De Colores trip this weekend, lifeguard training next weekend, and Coachella the weekend after.
I've been going to the gym almost every day and damn, it feels good.
It's all about makin' that GPA.
I saw Grindhouse grinded on Easter.
So my parents basically insinuated once again that they're going to divorce it up once my sister graduates. I've heard this story before so I'm hesitant to believe it.
At this dance, I commented on how a drunken girl seemed so "lucid." I said it for its irony but a girl called me out on it and I couldn't consciously explain what I meant so I looked like a complete tool. That memory will not leave my brain.
I am known as Caesar amongst two here. Of the Roman flavor, not the Chavez type.
Carlos Rodriguez (the synthesis of both of my grandfathers' name) is sleeping out on my couch. LMU Latino Overnight.
My mom gave me a cross for Easter, but no candy. She then got mad at me for not wearing her pagan jewelry. I wonder if Christ was French and beheaded, would people wear guillotines around their neck?
My job is to write papers, keep up with the Semester at Sea (SAS) paperwork, find a suitable student loan, destroy the proper brain cells, and become well versed with the Greek Sagas. |
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| The Last Day of A Good Year |
[Dec. 31st, 2006|07:01 pm] |
I am more excited for New Year's Eve than I was for Christmas morn.
Have I already grown up?
A lookback of 2006 to come. |
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| Sea, Please Accept Me |
[Dec. 8th, 2006|12:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | My Home Is The Sea-Bonnie "Prince" Billy & Matt Sweeny | ] |
I wish that my home was the sea. If only for a five month period, I hope it will be. I hope hope hope. I can't handle it here on land. There are too many real bombs of inactivity exploding around me that I don't want to see.
( A work of Brendon Constantine ) |
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| What Sarah Maclay Demands |
[Nov. 29th, 2006|03:31 am] |
| [ | Tags | | | school | ] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | school | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | music |
| | F. Tarrega / Capricho Arabe by Leszek Rojsza-studyin' music | ] |
Thousands of dollars are being spent on my ability to reaarrange words in a (non)sensible fashion. Damn the French's OuLiPo!
Mischief
Madmen of relief:
one mud-tanner skips, the other whittles plastic
Readily relief-pitching sourballs to basilicas using
a blue fork, some orange cool, a red disco ball, and yellow sonnets
And although both construed in a standing room,
the thieves’ knowledge of B-girls are so much.
They energize the storytellers and superballs
for it complexes tea time and our weather
Both actuate us out of our diapauses
a defense meclizine, they jolly
And when they cart in tune-ups for my two eardrums,
I sit up, heartened, goggle-eyed, and thaw out the musketry.
I had to update something, anything, everything, but not nothing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2006|02:50 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Upland | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | content | ] |
| [ | music |
| | In The Air Tonight-Phil Collins | ] |
list ten things that make you happy
then tag 5 people to do the same.
1. The herbal medicine that heals Leon in the best of times
2. Shakespeare
3. The sunshine filtering through the palm trees on my St. Rob walk
4. A strawberries wild after a destructive work out
5. Any variation of a frisbee game
6. Seeing how so many people read livejournal yet update so rarely yet except to do a hip survey with every one else
7. Reading on the Barnes & Nobles floor even though they have repeatedly asked me not to
8. Not wearing clothes on a warm day at my house
9. Falco's upper kick
10. Music with stories
Who would really do it out of this group?
1. Joshua Hunter (#1)
2. Philmont Greg
3. Julienne!
4. Marcos
5. Dustin |
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